From the author: For many years I have been running the “Questions and Answers” ​​column in various publications in our city. I present to your attention the most interesting, in my opinion, questions. Hello Irina! I have a husband of the age about whom they say “Grey hair in the beard means a devil in the rib.” It seems to me that it is useless to appeal to his consciousness, especially since he is trying to hide his adventures. And from my attitude towards him one can judge that love is more related than passionate and jealous. Although the situation is nevertheless unpleasant. So, for my inner peace and the most natural attitude towards my husband’s current interests, I decided to find out why such shifts occur in the minds of men. What is your opinion, as a family psychologist, on this matter? Betrayal or Gray hair... And is it a demon? Hello! You touched on a problem that is relevant for many representatives of the fair sex, who, having experience and a solid history of family life behind them, one fine day suddenly realize that not everything in their established life is good, that there is something that can disrupt its smooth flow . And, most importantly, they don’t know how to relate to this situation... because they feel one thing, but the social standards of society say something else... Let’s try to figure it out together, first of all, in our own assessment of what is happening. It’s a pity that you did not indicate the exact age of your spouse and your own. After all, if a man “goes on the side”, this speaks of two things for sure: firstly, his sexual function has not faded, his libido is preserved - sexual desire and the desire to satisfy it. Which in itself is very good. The second, and quite important point, is that he cannot (or does not want) to organize all this for himself at home. And you need to find out the reason for yourself. Why and why does this happen in generally prosperous families? Usually in such cases, men complain that their wives have aged before them (it does not matter which spouse is older - we are talking about internal age). As one person said, “My drama is not that I am a grandfather, but that I live with my grandmother.” When a husband and wife move into different generations, as if into different rooms, everything that connected them before becomes obsolete. Was everything really good or was the woman just wishful thinking? Such changes never happen suddenly, especially since middle-aged men are no longer masters of “disguising themselves.” If the wife did not notice anything until the last minute, it means that she has long stopped noticing her husband himself. What motivates a man in this situation? The fear of the “leaving train” and the desire to make up for lost time are so strong in a man at this time that neither a sense of duty nor pity will stop him. If he feels that he has not been fulfilled, and his relationship with his wife has long become a routine, then a new romance is perceived as salvation. Leaving an “old” wife for a young mistress is not a pursuit of sexual adventures, but literally an escape from death to life. There is one encouraging circumstance in your letter: the husband is trying to hide his adventures. I’ll say right away that you shouldn’t convict him of cheating, convince him that his excuses are unconvincing for you. Accept what is DESIRED for you. And sincerely believe him! Before you start talking about betrayal, you should answer the question: What is TREASON anyway? Let’s open Dahl’s dictionary: - BETRAYAL, infidelity, betrayal, sweeping aside, treacherous transition, joining the enemy; a change in feelings, thoughts, actions, in the opposite direction. So, the meaning of the word is clear. Cheating is not the sexual act itself. Cheating is a betrayal, for example - when you are married to one partner, but you begin to give your sympathy, love, attention to another to the detriment of your relationship with your spouse. For example, you have an old friend, you are friends with him You have trusted each other for a long time and have helped him, and he you, more than once. You can make friends with someone else without it being a betrayal of your old friend. But if your newacquaintances will seriously affect your old friendship, leading to the fact that you will forget your old friend, stop communicating with him, will no longer help him if necessary, and even begin to discuss his actions and personality “behind his back”, slander him, that is, if your new connection changes your relationship, then this will be a betrayal of the old friendship, this will be treason. Not the sexual act itself, but a strong emotional connection with another person, if it becomes at the peak of the relationship with your regular partner or spouse, as well as all subsequent actions from this new relationship that are unfriendly to the former companion - that is TREASON. Treason is a product of a complex of emotional experiences and, as a consequence, the likes, dislikes and actions that arise as a result of them. And what then does betrayal have to do with “ sexual intercourse"? ... Indeed, everyone understands that it is possible to change, to betray, without sexual intercourse. Just like a short-term and single relationship may not be betrayal as such, since it implies pure mechanics, without any serious feelings. But stop! What does sex mean for a man and a woman? Do men and women treat sex the same way? This is where the main difference in men’s and women’s attitudes towards infidelity lies! The fact is that if for a man, sex is basically a simple satisfaction of sexual needs, then a woman will not go to bed with the first counter. She also needs feelings. And where there are feelings for one, there is also... betrayal of these feelings for another... Before dissecting male infidelity, I would like to turn to an old joke, which they say is based on real events: As you know, the king of France - Louis was a very loving monarch. And at the same time he had a wife - the first beauty in all of Paris. One day a cardinal asked him: “Your Majesty, you have such a beautiful wife, but you also have mistresses. Can’t your wife fully satisfy your needs?” The king did not answer him, but only invited him to dinner. For lunch, the cardinal was served a beautifully cooked turkey, which he loved very much. After eating the turkey, the cardinal received an invitation for tomorrow. The next day he was served turkey again and invited back to dinner. This went on for a week. The Cardinal came for dinner and was always served the same thing - turkey. But no matter how much the cardinal loved well-roasted turkey, on the seventh day he was already disgusted with it, and he begged: “My sir, don’t you have anything else?” The king asked him in surprise: “But you love turkey so much!” “But I’ve been eating it for seven days now,” cried the cardinal. To which the king, squinting his eyes, remarked to him, “You see, cardinal, no matter how much you love turkey, sometimes you want a bun.” ......For all the comicality of the situation, it describes a typical male betrayal. We see that the king does not at all blame the queen for his trips to the left, does not blame the fact that “women have gone wrong”, is not going to leave his wife, but simply... sometimes wants a bun... The very phrase “male infidelity” " - quite conditionally. Since you and I have already found out that betrayal is betrayal, while sexual intercourse is only sex, then a man’s going outside does not inherently mean betrayal, since it does not carry an act of betrayal. To go left, a man does not have to first be disappointed in his wife or fall head over heels in love with his mistress. For a man, sex on the side is just a mechanical act, short-term pleasure that does not leave far-reaching consequences in terms of changing his attitude towards his regular girlfriend. ... Men do not need an explosion of passions to change; a clearly expressed IMPERSONAL DESIRE is enough for them. Having several connections on the side, a man is quite capable of sincerely loving his wife. One wise man once said: if a woman loves, she sees her whole life in this, dissolving in her beloved. And for a man, love is part of his life. A large, huge part, but not all. Even at school we knew thatA man is essentially a polygamous creature. In his subconscious there is information that he must leave a large offspring so that the family line is not interrupted. He may not think about it when he takes on a third mistress, but ultimately he does what nature dictates to him. And if you take this into account, then the attitude towards male infidelity will change. Instead of annoyance and hatred (scoundrel, he cheated on me, such a beautiful woman, with this dummy), you will experience pity. After all, he is not cheating of his own free will, he is guided by harsh mother nature... However, there is also a positive side: male polygamy coexists perfectly with... fidelity! I, of course, understand that many women are unlikely to calmly accept this fact, but it is nevertheless true. A man, even after going outside, rarely, extremely rarely, cheats. Maximum - he has sex, but the fact of betrayal does not occur. A man does not stop loving his wife either before or after sex on the side, does not think about divorce, or about leaving for “that” woman. After all, going to the side for him is just physiology. A man can have a mistress during his wife’s pregnancy or after she has already given birth. It is clear that after giving birth, a woman switches all her attention to the child, and she has practically no time and energy left for the man. She grows cold towards him and in bed is no longer the same as she was before. All her thoughts are occupied with the child. She becomes more serious. From a beloved woman she turns into a mother. And the man treats her like a big and warm mother. And, identifying his woman with his mother, he simply does not want to get involved with her. Especially if she gained weight after giving birth. It’s much easier to find another woman for a while...But how can you keep a man from wandering off? “Isn’t there a way to prevent a man from wandering around?”... Yes, dear ladies, there is such a way, and acceptable for all parties ! There is a very interesting point here. The fact is that a man walks not because everything is bad in his family, and his wife does not suit him as a person. A man walks because it is in the nature of a man to walk. But he may well stop looking to the left if the wife takes care of creating an atmosphere of comfort, understanding and... SATIE around her husband. Such is the paradox. As my colleague once said at a lecture (rudely, but very accurately!): “The most sensible advice on how to be a good wife: send your husband to work with a full stomach and empty balls! And then even the most active man will become a faithful family man, without losing his hunting passion, which attracts you so much, dear ladies”...Dear women! Be beautiful and sexually attractive regardless of the length of your family life, the number of children, hard work and the frantic race of life. Be wise, maintain self-esteem in any situation. But if your husband is already packing his suitcase, you shouldn’t throw things in his face shouting: “Don’t ever come back!” If his departure is truly not a joy, it is better to make it clear that he is always welcome here. And then whatever happens. Don’t be afraid and don’t forget to tell him words of love, especially if there is love in your heart. Learn to live together and love each other again and again. Remember that Love, family relationships are not static. This is a dynamically developing process that needs to be dealt with and “built” these relationships day after day. And a few words for men. Have you ever wondered: how many women does a man need? ...Yes, perhaps one. In the end, this is exactly the conclusion you come to, having gone through all the vicissitudes of your mature life, having known pain and passion, loyalty and betrayal, knowing the price of forgiveness and being able to forgive yourself. Who will this woman be? The one with whom you will feel confident, the one with whom you will have something to talk about, the one you will look at with admiration not only at the “candy-bouquet” stage of the relationship, but throughout your life, and that , who, throughout the years of their life together, will continue to have reason to respect you as a person and as a man. Just!